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I believe I ejaculate far too quickly for my girl friend to get any pleasure out or our lovemaking. In her opinion I should get something done about this. With my former girl it was more or less the same, although she never complained about it. Now that I have a new partner, I don't want anything to go wrong between us. My question is, is there anything that can be done about this problem? Do I do anything wrong? I am not impatient, and I try to control myself, but it just happens against my will. Is my penis perhaps oversensitive? Can this problem be treated with medication or in any other way? You will understand that this is a serious thing for me, and I sincerely hope you can help me find a solution. Please do not refer me to my family doctor, for I don't want to discuss this with him and also think he's not competent.
Premature ejaculation is very common
Premature ejaculation or 'coming too quickly' is very common among young men in heterosexual relations, just as 'not coming' or 'coming too slowly' is very frequent among young women. So for most people it is a relative thing. Males are more eager, more excited, more infatuated, more in love, females have more inhibitions, fears, other expectations besides sexual pleasure, and thus tend to be more passive. So it is in fact very normal for boys to come before the girl. As experience, mutual trust and enjoyment increase, the male can learn to time his orgasm, stimulate his partner effectively and come simultaneously with her. This is the traditional ideal, promoted by the early twentieth century sexologists (see sexuology).
A popular approach today is to reject the idea of simultaneous orgasm through intercourse, to emphasize the quality of intimacy and pleasure, and to advise non-penetrative sex first. If couples go into therapy, the first thing they are told is not to have intercourse, but to practise touching, feeling, awareness and arousal without climaxing. Men usually have to learn to be passive, women to be active.
An important question asked of men who come too quickly for their own liking and that of their partner especially, is whether they experience the same problem while masturbating. If not, the problem really is one of lovemaking, not of medication.
Primary premature ejaculation
However, a small group of men, perhaps 5%, cannot be helped in this way. Their premature ejaculation is not caused by the normal discrepancy between male and female arousal (see the sexual response). They climax within thirty seconds of entering the vagina, or even before that. No psychological or love skills therapy can help them.
Research has demonstrated that these 'primary premature ejaculators' seem to have low concentrations of the neurotransmitter serotonine in the brain. The transfer of signals from the brain to the genital response is adversely affected, and perhaps this explains the uncontrolled orgasm. Now anti-depressants have proved to have a slowing effect on sexual arousal and orgasm, probably because they raise the level of serotonine in the brain.
The drug therapy for the true premature ejaculators is now established among some medical sexologists.
The question remains, however, why these people can masturbate without suffering at all from premature ejaculation.
Learning to enjoy sex
From your letter it is not clear whether you belong to the first or second category. If it is the first, all you need is perhaps a little enlightenment about lovemaking: it is best, for a while, not to have intercourse. There are many effective ways to enjoy sex (see great sex without intercourse). The problem often lies with the female partner as well. If she insists on intercourse, if she places all responsibility on the male's performance, he will feel obliged to be successful, which causes the anxiety and stress which cause his failure.
So it is a matter for both partners to improve and elaborate their repertoire of sexual pleasure skills to escape from what might be called 'the coitus imperative'. For those who need a detailed plan of action, the so-called squeeze technique may be of some use.
For more on this subject see badolier
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